hiatus.

mednin:

medninarchive-blog:

          hello friends. this explanation .. is going to be long. so brace yourselves yeah? & i am not going to bother formatting it.

          as i am sure you all know, my mental health is .. — horrible. absolutely horrendous. my self-esteem level is into the negatives & my depressive episodes happen multiple times every day. 

          i make many posts stating that i am in a bad mood & it is because of my depression that this happens. being here on tumblr makes my episodes much much worse. i always feel as if i am competing for a spot in this community & i am sick of it. i am sick of being sick from this. 

          i snapped at my grandfather today. all day i was in a very apathetic mood because of this website. my grandfather pointed out my poor health & i knew he was right, but i snapped at him. i got instantly furious & i stormed off to my room, locked the door & immediately ran to my bed & cried into my pillow.

          i am not someone who takes the truth well. 

          for years, i’ve had severe depression. & it only has gotten worse since i have become home schooled. my work ethic is shit, i’ve fallen behind, i am constantly ill from stress i cause myself & i wake up each morning with a pounding migraine from the sleeplessness i suffer daily. 

          i’m overweight, aggressive, lonely, unhealthy physically & mentally, i have no friends, i ignore my family on a daily basis, i have thoughts of suicide every day of my life & i waste my existence on a website that provides virtually no benefit to me. 

          i have let myself fall for years. i have let myself drown in this sorrow for as long as i can remember. i’ve been hurt so many times along the way that i have just given up. 

          my grandpa came in my room while i was crying. he was so .. hurt. he wasn’t angry — he was hurt. i could hear it in his voice & i could see it in his eyes. the hurt, the disappointment, the worry. 

          he told me that he wanted to grow old with me in his life. that he didn’t want to be standing next to a hole in the ground with me in it & him above me. he said he always wanted it to be the other way around, that he wanted me to live a happy life & succeed. 

          what the hell am i doing? what am i doing to my family? they deserve better than this.

          they deserve to see me happy & i want to be happy too. i want to do this for them. this is for them.

          i want to be successful & confident. i want to walk into my ideal university one day & know i’m going to get that molecular biology phd i’ve been dreaming of since i was in seventh grade. i want my family to be by my side when i do that.

          i do not want to die. 

          i want to live. i want to live so badly.

          so i am doing this. i am leaving for a while. i’m not going to guilt trip myself with this — my absence will probably be consistent. i need to do this the entire way. if i half ass my own health i am going to disintegrate back into this again.

          i am not going to allow this to repeat itself.

          i seek happiness, & love, & hope — i seek this for myself & my family. i want them to see me & go ” wow, she’s so grown up. she’s really matured over the years! she’s intelligent & she can do anything she puts her mind to. i’m proud. ” i want my family to be proud of me. that’s all i want .. — that’s all i’ve ever wanted.

          so .. i don’t know when i’ll see you guys next, you know? i have a few other blogs i can be found on occasionally & they are h e r e. & this is my skype — if you send me a request, just tell me your url. & we must be mutuals, alright.

          i love you all. thank you for the love & the happiness & the joy i have found here. thank you for the friends & thank you for making me smarter, thank you for making me more kind & thank you for helping me through lots of hard times.

          but i need time away. i’ll be back one day, sure.

          consider this to be a .. vacation. alright?

          thank you so much. i’ll cherish this forever.

               - kay.